Separating from your partner is a significant change. Whether you’ve been together for a few years or a couple of decades, this is the end of an important part of your life, so, understandably, it can be a very emotional experience.
If you have children, it can be especially challenging as you’ll need to prioritise them and their wellbeing. To help you provide support for them during this process, here are some ideas to help you navigate the coming months with them.
Understanding the impact of separation on children
Even if it was your idea to separate, you’ll find that this can be a huge upheaval. Your life with your ex-partner is so connected that it’s likely it will take some time to adjust.
For your child, this adjustment looks different from the shift you’re experiencing because their home setup has altered and it’s likely that they’re now sharing their time between you and your ex. Therefore, they are the most important people to talk to about your separation.
Their feelings will be a major factor. A 2019 study by the UCL Institute of Education revealed that parental separation is more likely to affect the mental health of children between the ages of seven and 14. This study was the first to look in detail at the link between divorce or separation on children’s mental health. It reinforced the importance of their wellbeing coming first.
Effective communication
Making time for your child and creating a space where your child can talk to you is a good first step in handling the effects of your separation. Ideally, these conversations should be in a place they will find comforting so that they can relax and open up.
How you approach this will depend on their age. The way you speak to your teen won’t be the same for your six-year-old. This is because there are some areas around separation and divorce that younger children aren’t likely to understand.
However, no matter how old they are, actively listen to them. Let them know you’re not judging them and validate their concerns. The aim is for them to be honest with you so that you can consider how they feel during this process.
Co-parenting strategies
Communication is also important between you and your ex. If you still have a good relationship with them, you might find you can decide between you how you want to co-parent. Even if you and your ex have discussed how you’re going to approach co-parenting, there’s going to be some trial and error as you both work to establish this new setup.
Take the time to decide how you’ll split your time with your child. You might decide to live in separate properties and create two homes for your children to live in. Or you might decide to try birdnesting so that your children can stay put.
Whichever option you choose, try to keep to their usual routine. Sending them to the same school can be hugely beneficial, for example. Also, if you and your ex can be consistent in your parenting style, this can help to make them feel settled.
Should it not be possible to create this balance with your ex due to the nature of your separation – or even if you have a great relationship with them but want a guide – family law solicitors can help draft clear and fair co-parenting agreements that sets out your role.
Check in on them
Keep checking in with your child. Look for changes in their behaviour and reassure them as much as you can.
It’s worth looking into the tools and support that’s available too. There are resources that can help you guide your child and if they’re finding it hard to talk to you, they might feel more comfortable talking to family, friends or a professional like a counsellor.
This can be a difficult time, but you know your children better than anyone else. Being there for them at this time is an important first step.
