This week Pearl has started nursery and it feels like the end of an era. Life is about to change again after nearly 2 years with no child-free time, I’m sipping my coffee, listening to the news in the background without the crashing of toys or the constant calls of ‘Mummy, mummy!’ and the house just feels so silent. I don’t really know what to do with myself! It feels that as a parent life is constantly evolving in phases – it’s taken me this far to get used to having two comfortably at home and now that’s all about to change. Just when you crack it, everything changes.
I also wrote a post about the changes on Violet’s first day at nursery too and reading it back, I can relate to it so much, it seems funny to be going through the same series of feelings again, although this time I feel a lot more prepared. Back in the day I’d drop Violet off at nursery and hide in my car to disguise the tears as I found drop-off so traumatic. This time, Pearl did cry but I was ready and I knew she’d settle, even with the extra restrictions and PPE, Pearl doesn’t know it any other way. Plus, I’ve seen Violet grow and flourish at the nursery and I know Pearl will too. So this time I didn’t cry and it’s not that I don’t care – I just know she will be okay.
As I drove off I felt a bit funny, but tried to push thought’s of Pearl out my mind and focus on using the spare time for me – after all, I deserve a break, right?! I headed off to our local park for a quick run and to sit down in the sun with a hot flask of coffee! As I was sitting in the sun, the nursery uploaded a photo to the app to reassure me all was okay – Pearl had a huge smile on her face, she was covered in paint with Violet. They looked in their element. Honestly, children are SO much more resilient than you think they are. I was able to drink the first coffee I’ve had in 3 years in utter peace, knowing that both girls are happy and taken care of. It’s a big milestone!
Suddenly, I feel aware of all the things that have been ‘on hold’ since having children. During the lockdown, my work went out of the window – I’ve hardly created any content or even felt creative which is a big deal to me. I’ve spent my life creating in some way and feel so suppressed when this is taken away, but the intense situation crushed the creativity from me anyway, so this is my first priority to get back, but I think it’ll take some time.
I also realised I’ve been alternating between the same 2 cheap old dresses through the entire summer, wearing pants and socks with holes in and my hair is just a disaster too. With kids I don’t even think about what I look like, if my clothes and hair are clean, that’s a win to me. I live off a diet of caffeine and sugar highs and lows to survive the pressure of parenting and that just isn’t sustainable so I’m determined to make a change, now I’ve got a bit of extra time. I’ve turfed out my old running gear, bought in a few healthy treats and have made a start with the ‘Couch to 5K’ app with only 3 runs under my belt I’m already surprised by how good it makes me feel. I’ve got a hair appointment booked too…. plus, I should probably buy some new pants and socks at some point too!
So, over the next few weeks, you’ll mainly find me thinking, easing myself slowly into a new pace of life and making space for my creativity to come back. I’ve missed working so much over lockdown, I’m excited to get back to it and to have back some balance in my life too. I’m so, so happy for Pearl that she has the chance to explore something new, make friends and have Violet by her side the whole way too. It might be the end of an era but I think it’s just the start of leading a more balanced chapter of our lives with the space and time we all needed.